Tag Archives: The Captain

Loneliness

At 9:04 on a Friday night, I experienced a dawning realisation of loneliness.

It was the Friday before I was due to start work and I was on my way back to my new room. A train had just left and there were sixteen minutes until the next one would arrive.

Under the harsh bright lights of the station, I was suddenly struck  by how lonely my shadow seemed. I wanted to call someone but I realised that there was no one that I could pick up the phone and speak with, and to tell them how lonely I was feeling.

Sure, there were text messages waiting to be opened and responded to, but I wasn’t in the mood for flirtatious banter or witty sarcasm. I went on Facebook and there were a series of messages to respond to, as well as new conversations which popped up. That kept me occupied for a while but the feelings of loneliness did not diminish.

The loneliness was subdued and tolerable. It wasn’t painful and it didn’t cause anguish. The profoundness of my thoughts was primarily derived from cognitively recognising that those feelings of loneliness existed.

I wanted to talk to someone about it. But I had just had dinner with Number One and our conversations have become superfluous at best. As for The Captain, he was in a different country and in a different timezone so he wasn’t exactly an option. The person that I would have wanted to talk about it with was Buff Guy but I couldn’t. He was upset at me for various misdeeds, which included, letting us become the way we were.

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Dearly Departed

The Captain left for the other side of the world today to begin a five months work placement. He had undergone a vigorous interview process to secure this internal transfer so that he could work with a partner well known for his brilliance in macroeconomics.  His placement had been arranged prior to recent developments and we both knew that his scheduled date of departure was non-negotiable.

When we discussed it a few weeks ago, we were both inspired by a sense of urgency and a certain degree of abandon. We agreed to not overthink anything and have lots of fun. We both promised to try to avoid the missteps that threw us offcourse last time. In the end, we both just wanted to have something that was worth resuming. We did accomplish all of those things, and then some.

Now barely a day since his departure, I can’t help but begin to miss him already. In a reluctant, irrational and surprising way, I miss him.

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Revelations and Confessions

Buff Guy:

I called to tell you that I’ve been thinking about you. And us. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. It seems that I’m always wanting to spend time with you and when I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you and missing you. We get along really well and I enjoy talking to you, and I really like you. I don’t want to see other people and I don’t want to be with other people. I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I wasn’t sure whether I should say any of this to you and how I should say it. I thought about talking to W and talking to E about it. But then I realised that you’re the person I would want to talk about this sort of stuff with anyway. You’re the one person who I talk to about how I feel. So I had to tell you.

The Captain:

Right from the beginning, I wanted you and I knew that I had to have you. There was a period where I was really obsessed with you. Then suddenly, when I had you, I didn’t know what to do. So I just acted without thinking and strategising and maybe I was a bit too direct and demanding. That’s probably why you thought I was a player as well. But I’m not, and it’s just that I said whatever came to mind and acted on impulse because I felt comfortable with you. When things didn’t work out, I think I blamed you and was angry at you for a while.  Then I started to regret how it happened and blamed myself. I went through all the different stages of grief, until I eventually accepted it.

But we never gave it a proper shot and my feelings haven’t changed. No one should go thru life by themselves, and everyone has to be a part of a team. Right from the beginning, I wanted you on my team. But come on, who wouldn’t want to be on your team?

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Good Girl Gone Bad

I’ve come to accept that being around The Captain makes me do reckless and irrational things.

Since our last, we’d maintained daily email banter and met up almost everyday for coffee and the occasional meal.

One night, work wrapped up at about 2am and we met up for some drinks. Somehow we ended up kissing in a dark booth. At some point, someone came over to tell us to keep it PG.

We engaged in a lengthy discussion about an appropriate level of rating, whilst becoming increasingly incoherent on too many G&T’s.

To our credit, we kept things below NC-17.

The next morning, I had to go to work and he had a car to pick up and a flight to catch. We parted ways without much discussion about a potential follow up.

The weirdest thing was I felt perfectly ok about that. I felt nothing in particular about what had transpired and the days passed by.

For my part, I’d gotten the UST out of my system and The Captain no longer intrigued me.

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UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION

When I finally caught up with a few friends from another ibank, and discovered that a mutual friend was back in town, I didn’s expect him to join us that night.

Unbeknownst to any of our mutual friends, The Captain and I have a rather amusing relationship. It is one that has always been fraught with UST – resulting from circumstances and timing.

He had always been very open and direct about his intentions and reaffirmed those over several G&T’s that night. He made it clear that he now intended to act upon those intentions. I didn’t feel like trying hard to dissuade him.

As things wrapped up, he said he had to go back to the office to retrieve something and likewise, I said I was going back to work to finish an update.

Turns out, we were headed for the same building.

 

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