Tag Archives: Number One

Loneliness

At 9:04 on a Friday night, I experienced a dawning realisation of loneliness.

It was the Friday before I was due to start work and I was on my way back to my new room. A train had just left and there were sixteen minutes until the next one would arrive.

Under the harsh bright lights of the station, I was suddenly struck  by how lonely my shadow seemed. I wanted to call someone but I realised that there was no one that I could pick up the phone and speak with, and to tell them how lonely I was feeling.

Sure, there were text messages waiting to be opened and responded to, but I wasn’t in the mood for flirtatious banter or witty sarcasm. I went on Facebook and there were a series of messages to respond to, as well as new conversations which popped up. That kept me occupied for a while but the feelings of loneliness did not diminish.

The loneliness was subdued and tolerable. It wasn’t painful and it didn’t cause anguish. The profoundness of my thoughts was primarily derived from cognitively recognising that those feelings of loneliness existed.

I wanted to talk to someone about it. But I had just had dinner with Number One and our conversations have become superfluous at best. As for The Captain, he was in a different country and in a different timezone so he wasn’t exactly an option. The person that I would have wanted to talk about it with was Buff Guy but I couldn’t. He was upset at me for various misdeeds, which included, letting us become the way we were.

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Good Love?

Me: I’m going to the gym

the Ex: ok that’s good, have fun, don’t overdo it.

2 hours later

the Ex: how was the gym?

Me: it was good

the Ex: did you have any thing to eat today?

I understand now that no one could ever love me like he does. But is his love good for me? I don’t know. It used to be and it might be. But right now, I don’t know.

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Lonely in my Company

Every once in while, I hear a song that is so apt and fitting that my heart flutters a little. 

Listening to Gotye’s Somebody that I Used to Know evoked emotions about the Ex that I had never experienced since our breakup four months ago.

I now understand that I had been very immature. In fact, the truth is I treated him badly. Yes, we both behaved badly in the last few months, but after four years, the ending was always going to be messy. Especially as he became aware of its inevitability. Perhaps one day when I have enough courage, I will tell him all this and apologise. But right now, we’re friends, in the awkward way that two people who used to love care for each other try to.

Did I love him? In my own self-absorbed way, I probably did. At the very least, I loved him as much as I could ever love anyone. But love doesn’t always conquer everything. Some people are lucky and are able to follow their hearts. Yet I was am too consumed by trivial pursuits, selfish whims, my pragmatism and other people’s standards to give him a chance.

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Sucker

I don’t know whether my current feelings of misapprehension are justified.

Hour-long journeys to see Buff Guy at least three times a week, putting aside my own deadlines to fulfill his, and his unwillingness to be more accommodating for my needs is starting to grate on my nerves

Most of the time, I am appreciative of the Buff Guy’s various attributes and finer qualities. I value the fact that he provides fresh viewpoints, has the ability to make me see different perspectives, and thus inspires positive changes in me.

But occasionally, I lose a bit of resolve and start to miss being dined and wined, taken shopping, and chauffeured around.

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