Tag Archives: Buff Guy


At 9:04 on a Friday night, I experienced a dawning realisation of loneliness.

It was the Friday before I was due to start work and I was on my way back to my new room. A train had just left and there were sixteen minutes until the next one would arrive.

Under the harsh bright lights of the station, I was suddenly struck  by how lonely my shadow seemed. I wanted to call someone but I realised that there was no one that I could pick up the phone and speak with, and to tell them how lonely I was feeling.

Sure, there were text messages waiting to be opened and responded to, but I wasn’t in the mood for flirtatious banter or witty sarcasm. I went on Facebook and there were a series of messages to respond to, as well as new conversations which popped up. That kept me occupied for a while but the feelings of loneliness did not diminish.

The loneliness was subdued and tolerable. It wasn’t painful and it didn’t cause anguish. The profoundness of my thoughts was primarily derived from cognitively recognising that those feelings of loneliness existed.

I wanted to talk to someone about it. But I had just had dinner with Number One and our conversations have become superfluous at best. As for The Captain, he was in a different country and in a different timezone so he wasn’t exactly an option. The person that I would have wanted to talk about it with was Buff Guy but I couldn’t. He was upset at me for various misdeeds, which included, letting us become the way we were.

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Revelations and Confessions

Buff Guy:

I called to tell you that I’ve been thinking about you. And us. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. It seems that I’m always wanting to spend time with you and when I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you and missing you. We get along really well and I enjoy talking to you, and I really like you. I don’t want to see other people and I don’t want to be with other people. I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I wasn’t sure whether I should say any of this to you and how I should say it. I thought about talking to W and talking to E about it. But then I realised that you’re the person I would want to talk about this sort of stuff with anyway. You’re the one person who I talk to about how I feel. So I had to tell you.

The Captain:

Right from the beginning, I wanted you and I knew that I had to have you. There was a period where I was really obsessed with you. Then suddenly, when I had you, I didn’t know what to do. So I just acted without thinking and strategising and maybe I was a bit too direct and demanding. That’s probably why you thought I was a player as well. But I’m not, and it’s just that I said whatever came to mind and acted on impulse because I felt comfortable with you. When things didn’t work out, I think I blamed you and was angry at you for a while.  Then I started to regret how it happened and blamed myself. I went through all the different stages of grief, until I eventually accepted it.

But we never gave it a proper shot and my feelings haven’t changed. No one should go thru life by themselves, and everyone has to be a part of a team. Right from the beginning, I wanted you on my team. But come on, who wouldn’t want to be on your team?

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However, every time you choose to love someone despite the bullshit, you are making it stronger, you are painting a fuller picture. By choosing to love, you are accepting the flaws and ugliness that comes along with something beautiful.

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The Luxury of Living in Doubt

Earlier this evening, I showered and curled my hair for a date with a guy I’d recently met. He was also a friend of a friend. He picked a new restaurant that had been on my wishlist. He was smart and charming and I wanted to like him.

I had fun, but I was already thinking of Buff Guy on the train home. Wondering what he was up to, and if he would be online when I got back in front of my computer.

Just like the others, he only held my attention for the time that he was there. That is because, for the rest of the time, I am preoccupied with his absence.

He is just one of many. They are ready to give me everything Buff Guy never will. But I don’t want them. Any one of them could be everything I ever want. But I still want him.

I’ve even told Buff Guy that I’m can’t get over him. Sadly, I’m probably going to want him until he tells me not to. But because of his selfishness and cowardice, he does not tell me to leave him alone. By keeping me around, he allows me the luxury of living in doubt. Living in doubt is addictive. It creates sensations of burning hopefulness that, as long as it is not extinguished completely, can sustain someone for a very long time.


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Pet Names

The worst thing about having to date someone else is that most people have the tendency to use ordinary pet names like baby/babe, honey/hun, darling.

Buff Guy shared my disdain for pet names, especially those of the more commonly used variety.

It’s not that we didn’t use pet names, we just made our own. Ridiculous, saccharine, and nauseating creations such as pookiepie, sugarplum, and spunkybite.

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Source: pinterest

His plane is scheduled to leave in the early afternoon. All morning, I’d kept myself busy so that I didn’t have to think about him leaving.

Finally, he texts me: I thought I’d say farewell.

Almost instantaneously, like a nervous actress finally receiving her cue, I reply: Have a fantastic time!

To which he retorts: I shall, you try and stay out of trouble.

Later, he admits that it was only wishful thinking on his part.

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An Inadvertent Discovery

Thailand! Fucking Thailand. Buff Guy is fucking going to fucking Thailand.

To put it mildly, I am livid. No tears, no hurt feelings, just pure rage.

He once explained to me that that he simply did not really see the need to travel overseas.

Now I discover that he is going to Thailand.

Conveniently, he is leaving for Thailand six days after I arrive back in the country. Talk about suspicious timing. Even if I did want to harass him, I’d give it at least a week. Surely there is no need for him to run away from me so quickly.

Of all the places he could have run away to, he chooses fucking Thailand. It is the one destination for which I have excessively and extravagantly expressed my distaste for.

To top it all off, he left it up to me to attempt a not-so-subtle allusion to this trip when we both knew that I had discovered his travel plans in our shared calendars. He had the fucking nerve to let me tackle the proverbial elephant in the room (albeit it being a virtual chatroom).

Anyway, we have agreed to meet for lunch two days before his scheduled departure for Thailand. This is sure to be an utmost interesting affair.

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The Right Decision

The other day, my conversation with Buff Guy took an unusual detour. Amidst the usual chit-chat and banter, we revisited the breakup.

On that point, he claimed that he still believed that it was the right decision, although, it is still not an easy one.

For a guy who is always so arrogantly logical, his statement was rather perplexing.

Surely, if a decision is affirmed as the right one, it is a good decision and thus an easy decision to abide by.

As for myself, I still don’t know if the decision was the right one. I believe that is something that only time can tell.

But I do know that we will both find it in ourselves to live with the decision as if it is the right one. Perhaps he already has.

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Buff Guy and I have become friends. The oddest sort of friends who talk frequently but awkwardly. We are treading the lines so carefully. He has become much more accessible and I have learnt to be more indifferent.

Perhaps, that is what we needed all along, to ease the tension that eventually broke us.

It’s ironic that as ‘friends’ he finds time to initiate conversations with me. He talks to me more eagerly than when we were in a relationship.

Perhaps being mere ‘friends’ alleviates the pressure to engage with me, and thus he becomes more interested to do so, at his leisure, and to not do so, at his leisure.

Alternatively, perhaps he is merely doing what he regards as necessary to retain my friendship.

Whatever it is, in reciprocation of his current efforts, I have learnt to respond briefly, nonchalantly and intermittently. So that sometimes when I recall all the times that he used to do so, I am merely indifferent.

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