Tag Archives: boys

Don’t Settle For What Doesn’t Make You Happy

Thought Catalog

Why do we do it? We meet someone, we are semi-interested, we exchange info. We go out a couple times. We’re still very “meh” about the whole thing. Yeah, he’s alright, we think. And he does everything right. He calls and texts (but not too much), he does sweet things to let you know he’s into you, he makes and keeps future dates, he opens up. So you let down your guard, you open up, too. And you admit to yourself that you like him. Maybe this time is different?

And then it happens. His calls and texts get shorter and more sporadic. You feel like you’re the one always initiating. And thus begins The Doubt Game. You question everything. Is he not texting as much because he’s more comfortable with me and doesn’t feel the need to, or has he lost interest? Should I call him, or should I…

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Dearly Departed

The Captain left for the other side of the world today to begin a five months work placement. He had undergone a vigorous interview process to secure this internal transfer so that he could work with a partner well known for his brilliance in macroeconomics.  His placement had been arranged prior to recent developments and we both knew that his scheduled date of departure was non-negotiable.

When we discussed it a few weeks ago, we were both inspired by a sense of urgency and a certain degree of abandon. We agreed to not overthink anything and have lots of fun. We both promised to try to avoid the missteps that threw us offcourse last time. In the end, we both just wanted to have something that was worth resuming. We did accomplish all of those things, and then some.

Now barely a day since his departure, I can’t help but begin to miss him already. In a reluctant, irrational and surprising way, I miss him.

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Revelations and Confessions

Buff Guy:

I called to tell you that I’ve been thinking about you. And us. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. It seems that I’m always wanting to spend time with you and when I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you and missing you. We get along really well and I enjoy talking to you, and I really like you. I don’t want to see other people and I don’t want to be with other people. I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I wasn’t sure whether I should say any of this to you and how I should say it. I thought about talking to W and talking to E about it. But then I realised that you’re the person I would want to talk about this sort of stuff with anyway. You’re the one person who I talk to about how I feel. So I had to tell you.

The Captain:

Right from the beginning, I wanted you and I knew that I had to have you. There was a period where I was really obsessed with you. Then suddenly, when I had you, I didn’t know what to do. So I just acted without thinking and strategising and maybe I was a bit too direct and demanding. That’s probably why you thought I was a player as well. But I’m not, and it’s just that I said whatever came to mind and acted on impulse because I felt comfortable with you. When things didn’t work out, I think I blamed you and was angry at you for a while.  Then I started to regret how it happened and blamed myself. I went through all the different stages of grief, until I eventually accepted it.

But we never gave it a proper shot and my feelings haven’t changed. No one should go thru life by themselves, and everyone has to be a part of a team. Right from the beginning, I wanted you on my team. But come on, who wouldn’t want to be on your team?

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However, every time you choose to love someone despite the bullshit, you are making it stronger, you are painting a fuller picture. By choosing to love, you are accepting the flaws and ugliness that comes along with something beautiful.

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The Luxury of Living in Doubt

Earlier this evening, I showered and curled my hair for a date with a guy I’d recently met. He was also a friend of a friend. He picked a new restaurant that had been on my wishlist. He was smart and charming and I wanted to like him.

I had fun, but I was already thinking of Buff Guy on the train home. Wondering what he was up to, and if he would be online when I got back in front of my computer.

Just like the others, he only held my attention for the time that he was there. That is because, for the rest of the time, I am preoccupied with his absence.

He is just one of many. They are ready to give me everything Buff Guy never will. But I don’t want them. Any one of them could be everything I ever want. But I still want him.

I’ve even told Buff Guy that I’m can’t get over him. Sadly, I’m probably going to want him until he tells me not to. But because of his selfishness and cowardice, he does not tell me to leave him alone. By keeping me around, he allows me the luxury of living in doubt. Living in doubt is addictive. It creates sensations of burning hopefulness that, as long as it is not extinguished completely, can sustain someone for a very long time.


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Pet Names

The worst thing about having to date someone else is that most people have the tendency to use ordinary pet names like baby/babe, honey/hun, darling.

Buff Guy shared my disdain for pet names, especially those of the more commonly used variety.

It’s not that we didn’t use pet names, we just made our own. Ridiculous, saccharine, and nauseating creations such as pookiepie, sugarplum, and spunkybite.

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An Inadvertent Discovery

Thailand! Fucking Thailand. Buff Guy is fucking going to fucking Thailand.

To put it mildly, I am livid. No tears, no hurt feelings, just pure rage.

He once explained to me that that he simply did not really see the need to travel overseas.

Now I discover that he is going to Thailand.

Conveniently, he is leaving for Thailand six days after I arrive back in the country. Talk about suspicious timing. Even if I did want to harass him, I’d give it at least a week. Surely there is no need for him to run away from me so quickly.

Of all the places he could have run away to, he chooses fucking Thailand. It is the one destination for which I have excessively and extravagantly expressed my distaste for.

To top it all off, he left it up to me to attempt a not-so-subtle allusion to this trip when we both knew that I had discovered his travel plans in our shared calendars. He had the fucking nerve to let me tackle the proverbial elephant in the room (albeit it being a virtual chatroom).

Anyway, we have agreed to meet for lunch two days before his scheduled departure for Thailand. This is sure to be an utmost interesting affair.

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The Right Decision

The other day, my conversation with Buff Guy took an unusual detour. Amidst the usual chit-chat and banter, we revisited the breakup.

On that point, he claimed that he still believed that it was the right decision, although, it is still not an easy one.

For a guy who is always so arrogantly logical, his statement was rather perplexing.

Surely, if a decision is affirmed as the right one, it is a good decision and thus an easy decision to abide by.

As for myself, I still don’t know if the decision was the right one. I believe that is something that only time can tell.

But I do know that we will both find it in ourselves to live with the decision as if it is the right one. Perhaps he already has.

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Buff Guy and I have become friends. The oddest sort of friends who talk frequently but awkwardly. We are treading the lines so carefully. He has become much more accessible and I have learnt to be more indifferent.

Perhaps, that is what we needed all along, to ease the tension that eventually broke us.

It’s ironic that as ‘friends’ he finds time to initiate conversations with me. He talks to me more eagerly than when we were in a relationship.

Perhaps being mere ‘friends’ alleviates the pressure to engage with me, and thus he becomes more interested to do so, at his leisure, and to not do so, at his leisure.

Alternatively, perhaps he is merely doing what he regards as necessary to retain my friendship.

Whatever it is, in reciprocation of his current efforts, I have learnt to respond briefly, nonchalantly and intermittently. So that sometimes when I recall all the times that he used to do so, I am merely indifferent.

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