Monthly Archives: February 2013

Loneliness

At 9:04 on a Friday night, I experienced a dawning realisation of loneliness.

It was the Friday before I was due to start work and I was on my way back to my new room. A train had just left and there were sixteen minutes until the next one would arrive.

Under the harsh bright lights of the station, I was suddenly struck  by how lonely my shadow seemed. I wanted to call someone but I realised that there was no one that I could pick up the phone and speak with, and to tell them how lonely I was feeling.

Sure, there were text messages waiting to be opened and responded to, but I wasn’t in the mood for flirtatious banter or witty sarcasm. I went on Facebook and there were a series of messages to respond to, as well as new conversations which popped up. That kept me occupied for a while but the feelings of loneliness did not diminish.

The loneliness was subdued and tolerable. It wasn’t painful and it didn’t cause anguish. The profoundness of my thoughts was primarily derived from cognitively recognising that those feelings of loneliness existed.

I wanted to talk to someone about it. But I had just had dinner with Number One and our conversations have become superfluous at best. As for The Captain, he was in a different country and in a different timezone so he wasn’t exactly an option. The person that I would have wanted to talk about it with was Buff Guy but I couldn’t. He was upset at me for various misdeeds, which included, letting us become the way we were.

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Dearly Departed

The Captain left for the other side of the world today to begin a five months work placement. He had undergone a vigorous interview process to secure this internal transfer so that he could work with a partner well known for his brilliance in macroeconomics.  His placement had been arranged prior to recent developments and we both knew that his scheduled date of departure was non-negotiable.

When we discussed it a few weeks ago, we were both inspired by a sense of urgency and a certain degree of abandon. We agreed to not overthink anything and have lots of fun. We both promised to try to avoid the missteps that threw us offcourse last time. In the end, we both just wanted to have something that was worth resuming. We did accomplish all of those things, and then some.

Now barely a day since his departure, I can’t help but begin to miss him already. In a reluctant, irrational and surprising way, I miss him.

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