Monthly Archives: November 2012

Impending Birthday

I’m turning 24 this week. Even since I turned 21, I have not looked forward to getting older.

Becoming older means less time to become successful. I like the idea of being very successful. So as I get older, the need to do even more amazing things grows exponentially. I am now aiming to visit thirty different countries before I reach the age of 30 and I would also like to be earning more than 300k per annum by the time I reach that milestone.

Aging also scares me because I’m worried that I am running out of time to become a mother. I have a somewhat irrational fear of being an older mother and I have always envisioned having my first and only child before the age of 28. Four years is not exactly a lot of time to find a compatible spouse, learn to trust one another, get married, and become pregnant.

Sometimes I also feel as if I’m aging faster than I am maturing. The fact that I’m celebrating my birthday this year with Buff Guy is probably a testament to this theory. We are ‘eloping’ for two days because as far as everyone else is concerned, we are still ex’s. Actually, even as far as we are concerned, we are still ex’s.

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Alumni Drinks

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Maybe it’s time.

The Luxury of Living in Doubt

Earlier this evening, I showered and curled my hair for a date with a guy I’d recently met. He was also a friend of a friend. He picked a new restaurant that had been on my wishlist. He was smart and charming and I wanted to like him.

I had fun, but I was already thinking of Buff Guy on the train home. Wondering what he was up to, and if he would be online when I got back in front of my computer.

Just like the others, he only held my attention for the time that he was there. That is because, for the rest of the time, I am preoccupied with his absence.

He is just one of many. They are ready to give me everything Buff Guy never will. But I don’t want them. Any one of them could be everything I ever want. But I still want him.

I’ve even told Buff Guy that I’m can’t get over him. Sadly, I’m probably going to want him until he tells me not to. But because of his selfishness and cowardice, he does not tell me to leave him alone. By keeping me around, he allows me the luxury of living in doubt. Living in doubt is addictive. It creates sensations of burning hopefulness that, as long as it is not extinguished completely, can sustain someone for a very long time.


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