Monthly Archives: September 2012

Special

He of all people should not be entitled to encourage my newly bestowed freedom. Even if he didn’t want to be together anymore, surely most people possesses a streak of jealousy that one often falls prey to in such circumstances. But somehow, he seemed to be immune from such human tendencies.

Initially, I think I just wanted to prove to myself and to him that I could. Everyone wanted me, and he no longer did.

Then I became reckless because of indifference. What I was doing didn’t matter for a while because nothing mattered for a while. I was numbed by the profound effects of losing him.

Eventually I got used to it and saw it as a way to distance myself from the notion of us getting back together. In an utterly perverse way, I wanted to be ashamed of my own indiscretions that I would not be able to face the possibility of getting back together with him, because then I would have to tell him everything.

For a while, it was almost possible to believe that I was forgetting about him. To myself, I pretended that I craved, enjoyed, and perhaps even thrived on the attention. But I hated myself for it. I hated what he had reduced me to. I hated what I was doing. I hated that it was all because of him. I hated losing myself.

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Holding On

Buff Guy has the absurd notion that he and I can remain friends.  As I’m sitting at an airport terminal, trying to stifle my sobs over the phone, he says to me: ‘I hope you won’t go and disappear on me. I still want you in my life.’

He had the audacity to assure me that since we got along so well, he would like it very much for us to revert back to being friends.

In that moment, I was overcome by a curious mixture of desperation and pride which inspired me to bargain for seemingly more favorable terms. I challenged him to maintain our friendship. Outwardly at least, the onus to hold on had shifted to him. But really, I know that he has already let go and I am the only one that is still holding on.

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Finis

Buff Guy and I broke up today. For good.

Forewarning: there is likely to be a few depressive, long winded and mostly self indulgent posts before I get over this incident.

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